Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dear wifey - Charging The Dream

Dear wifey,

I love you and I always do. But I apologize if I am who admit as your love often make you worried. I am sad when you sometime say sorry to me just because you are so affraid to make mistake to me. I really appreciate that but I am sad because I am affraid you start to be uncomfort beside me. Anyway, I will do anything to make you comfort again.

Dear wifey, although I sleepless last night. Alhamdulillah I wake up quite fresh this morning. Fresh in the measurement of man who sleep less than 4 hours of course. Bismillah, I want to conqueor the day and the world.

Honey, as husband I always want to look perfect to you. I always want to look smart and to be smart of course. I wanna look cool in front of you. I wanna always be a gentle and patient husband. I always want to look strong. I just want to make you sure that you already chose the right person as husband. I wont to dissapoint you. I wont you regret this marriage because I am which maybe look cool at the beginning and at the end it revealed that I don't cool at all.

Bunda, I also don't want to look weak in front of you. But this morning I realize something. Bu get merried I supposed to leave all my mask and stop to pretend to be someone else. I just want to be myself for you. Either when I feel strong and also at the time I feel weak.

This last few days, honestly I feel so demotivated. I spent my spare time looking universities website. Admission requirement and application procedure of master program. I also continuesly browse many scholarship website. Sometime I dig in to curriculum oage of university just to take note several important course and chapter that maybe I can start study by myself now as a preapation in case maybe I will be admitted someday. But honey, the more I am doing those, suddenly I feel so incapable. I loss my spirit and motivation. It became worst when two days a go I got notification email which inform me, again, I am not admitted to scholarship. Although I pretend for not dissapointed. But I cannot lie to myself. Inner of me again feel sad. That's why I didn't tell you at first time. I don't look stupid by failing scholarship again and again. But at the end I realize that was not right. And here now I tell all the stories.

That's why until last night I feel so gloomy. Maybe this is one of the reason that make me can't sleep, beside my backpain of course. Unfortunately, shalat, pray and zikir which usualy can recover me, didn't work last night. Finally I just can sleep after so tired and afraid will "fly" whole this day because not enough sleep. But Alhamdulillah that is not happen.

When I woke this morning I was seeing you sleep so tight. And suddenly the small remaining motivation in my heart growing again. I don't want to dissapoint you by beeing weak husband. I always want to make you proud. I realize chasing dream always need big effort. Sometime with tears and bloods. I wont give up. I will continue trying again and again. Until failure get bored come to me. I will always recharge my dream.

Dear wifey, this is me. Very far from.perfect as husband. But trust me, I always want to improve. I want to be best husband in the universe for most wonderful wife in universe, you.

Few weeks from now, I will fly to Europe to meet and stay together with you. We will visit a lot of places. Studying so many things. Going around the world. Stay always together until get old.

PS: I always love you

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